It was seven years ago today, that I received my Master teachings in Usui Reiki.
And I had an emotional meltdown the night before which caused me to doubt, not only my sanity, but my readiness for such solemn, sacred teachings.
I had almost ached for the time I could pass on the attunements and teach, most particularly for one person who had been instrumental in support and recognition of my latent healing talents. It was that night, almost as an afterthought, that they mentioned they had already been attuned (a process this branch of Reiki uses to ritualize the end of that set of teachings) – though they didn’t much recall the event.
First off – WTF? How can one not recall such a sacred, solemn event?? They had received the teaching during an emotional upheaval time in their lives and gained much from the course they were taking with this teacher, but didn’t specifically recall anything about Reiki. A former classmate had reminded them later and it hadn’t occurred to them to mention anything to me, since they didn’t know how excited I was to be ‘the one’ to teach them. I wanted to return something big to them in return for what I felt were all the gifts they had provided me in support and friendship.
I hung up from that exchange in horror! For some reason, this disappointment was HUGE to my ego. Why did I even want to go to this class the next day if I couldn’t share it with this ONE person?! I cried and railed in anger and disappointment and disbelief that this would be robbed from me. Even during my tears, I was secretly kind of in awe at how BIG these emotions felt. How deeply I was hurt by this unfairness. And OH, how much I was judging the teacher of their class – how could they not convey to a student how rich and deep this system was – to an extent a student could even recall they were taught!
If I had been in my own space, I think I may have broken things in utter frustration at the cruel trick the universe had played on me.
And, as I slowly calmed down, feeling more and more contrite at my immature display of anger and misplaced righteousness, I called out to the Reiki Masters of Old to help me understand what I had just been through. How could I possibly go through with class the next day – I was a fake who wasn’t even CLOSE to being ready to receive these teachings. If I could have such a violent display of pettiness, how could I ever be trusted to receive and hold the teachings I had come to revere in a body/mind that was so immature?!
And, miraculously, a sense of calm and peace slowly surrounded and enveloped me. I began to realize this was a purge of sorts. The rearing of these ‘ugly’ sentiments could be gifts to me, as a preparation, if I so chose. These were hurtful and mean things I was expressing, mostly about myself and my worthiness. They were there, in me, but hidden and latent – so much so, that in their discovery, they freaked at being expressed as much as I freaked in expressing them!
I ended up attending class the next day, a much humbler student than I had been the day before. I realized that it wasn’t up to me to decide if I deserved to receive the teachings. I was there for a reason and my outburst the night before gave me a new perspective on what I was receiving that day.
I wish I could say that in receiving the teachings that day seven years ago, instantly healed all my judgement and anger surrounding the ‘big reveal’ with my friend. Actually, I have to admit that took much time, self-Reiki treatments and self-reflection to dig at the roots of those powerful feelings that were unearthed that day. I’m not proud of all the dark places I’ve exposed in myself, but I am proud that I haven’t shied away from them (well, mostly) and found more tools and enough self-love to shift my perspective from being robbed that day, to being profoundly gifted.